I will survive.. or will I?

Every day we face a hundred things that affect us.
Some one with a nsty attitude says the wrong thing.
Traffic may be a bitch on the way to work.
Work may pile up and you have to scramble to get it done.
Maybe you didn't get enough sleep.
You may have to pick up afte ryour family every day.
Maybe your car breaks down.
Maybe your coworker gets on your damn nerves.
Or the people closest to you seem to have absolutley no idea who you are.
There are so many things that could happen in a day.
Some people call these tests. As in, we are tested daily to build character or determine how we handle these situations.
At times, we may shake these things off and go on unaffected.
At times, we may want desperately to scream or rip someones face off.
Who knows the right answer? If I react poorly to a situation does that make me weak? Does it mean I'm not a good Christian?
Surely, we all have a little crazy in us. Surely, God forgives momentary lapses in judgement.
Because really, I am not a saint. I doubt I'm even one of Gods favorites. He knows where I stand. He also knows my limits. So, undoubtedly He forgives me, right?
Quite often, I don't know what's right or how to behave. I'm rude. I'm mean. Sometimes even vicious.
But, I love my family. I'm forgiving and accepting. I may resent the way they treat me, but, I take it and move on. And I love them just the same.
I think my biggest question is why?
Why is it okay for some people to just go along with worries or cares? Why is it that I have to stress out? Other people seem to be able to just sail through the day with no worries or cares..
Here I go whining again. That's the point right?
You just suck it up. That makes you a better person.
Well, to that I say~ bullshit.

?

People always claim to be good people. Well, not everyone can be a good person. Not everyone is as nice as they say. Are they lying to you so that you will like them or are they lying to themselves because they are ashamed of the truth?
"I'm only human" is the universal tagline for "I make mistakes, I suck and I plan on lying about it."
Because really, who actually wants to come clean with all their shit? Who wants to admit to themselves that they suck and are the worst? Therefore, we work tirelessly denying and lying and spinning our stories so that some stranger will think we are a good person. It's completely exhausting. It's so tiresome to be good, or to even pretend to be good. Human beings as a race are built to sin, fail, do wrong, whatever you want to call it.
These days people are weak and tender. They become offended at the smallest thing. Thin skinned pussies.
It's annoying. So, we have to apologize for who we are and how we feel. I don't want to anymore.
I'm not sorry. I won't apologize. It is not my fault that you can't handle the truth.
Because I do not lie. I have no need to. And if the truth hurts you, too bad.
That is something you need to come to grips with. By all means, you are more than welcome to criticize me. I would never hate you for it, unless you lie about it. I know my faults, more than anyone. I live with them every day.

"I don't judge." This is an awesome statement, that while well-intentioned, can never be true. No matter how much you want it to be. We are a shitty species, humans. We are hypocritical and mean.
I don't want to judge you. And if I do, it doesn't mean it changes how I feel about you. Because all though I don't like or agree with what you do or say, I will always defend your right to it.
I have ugly thoughts about people all the time because of how they look and what they wear, their teeth, the stupid shit that comes out of their mouths and how they behave. I sit on my high horse occasionally.  But truthfully a minute goes by and I realize that has not changed my opinion of you. Because I have just as many, if not more flaws and I'm positive you've had an ugly thought about me once or twice. And I'm okay with that.
I am guilty of any number of sins and hypocritical contradictions. BUT dammit at least I will own up to that shit. I can't very well sit back and deny that I'm a liar.

But the 2 worst possible things I can think of that a person can be guilty of is vanity or arrogance. While I have a tendency to presume myself better than others on some level, I wouldn't say that out loud. There is speaking the truth because it needs to be said and then, there is just plain mean. I try not to be mean.
But, I cannot stand people who outwardly promote themselves. Are you so pathetic that you cannot allow your merits to stand on their own?? Must you really announce to the world how awesome you are???
A word to the wise: The more you tell me how awesome you are, the less likely I am to believe it. If you are confident in your product, you shouldn't have to over-sell it. The quality will show and sell itself.
It is my belief that there are two types of people who are self-promoters: the sad cat who feels like people think poorly of him so he has to talk himself up to convince himself and others that he is in fact worthy and then the DB who may actually be a pretty awesome guy but feels like he has to constantly remind people of the fact. And that my friends is pathetic.
I'm sure I will have more thoughts on this again soon.

Road map, please.

I'm feeling so lost these days. I really don't know where to go, what to do, how to feel.
It's so crazy and scary that one person can make such a difference in your life.
So much so, that when they are gone you have no idea how to go on without them.
Mom has been gone almost 2 yrs now and I still have no idea how to function without her.
My guiding light is gone.
Of course, I'm living. Day to day, hour by hour. But, I feel alone all the time.
I feel like I have no one. And if I did, I really have nothing to say.
I love to be out amongst people, I don't have to think about Mom or Dad. Worry about my sister, Riley or John. I can forget all the responsibilities that come with being grown up. I can get lost in the superficial talk of the crowd. Where nothing is personal or even relevant to my life. I can escape from who I am and what I need to do.
I feel like the safest, most comfortable place in the world is in my room alone.
Problem is that no one is there. And by staying there I am giving in. I don't want to give in.
I just want something to matter. I want something to mean something to some one.
Where do I go? What do I do? I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything.

It is what iit is.

There are moments in life when you look around and wonder is this really it?
Is this all my life will be?
Growing up we have these grand ideas of what our lives will be like when we grow up.
We will be wealthy. We will marry some one wonderful and have beautiful children.
We have dreams of bliss.
Then we grow up and settle in to what our lives really are.
Hopefully we have a considerate spouse and obedient children, a modest living and a comfortable home.
All the while, we wonder if there is something better. Could I be happier?
In Buddhism there are four Noble Truths about life. The second one explains a lot.

The second truth is that suffering is caused by craving and aversion. We will suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectation, if we want others to like us, if we do not get something we want,etc. In other words, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness. A lifetime of wanting and craving and especially the craving to continue to exist, creates a powerful energy which causes the individual to be born. So craving leads to physical suffering because it causes us to be reborn.

From this I understand that our suffering comes from the wanting. Wanting more. Wanting him to treat me how I treat him. Wanting things that I will not ultimately receive.
Here I am conflicted. I know that my wanting, expecting more or different I create unhappiness for myself.
On the other hand, does this mean that I have to accept what I have and be comfortable in it? To just "deal" with my life as it is? Should I be content in mediocrity?
Does that question alone diminish the tone of my life?
Most likely. By saying 'mediocrity' at all I have stated that my life is not good enough.
Thus, creating negative energy.
The ultimate question: Do I change it? Do I find peace and acceptance in my life now?
It's all hypocrisy and catch 22s.
For now, I'll leave it alone.

Confused

I don't understand. I ususally think I have a pretty good grasp on people. I think I can understand their behavior. Most times things are understandable and I am able to rationalize the way people work.
But, there are times when I am dumbfounded. There are times when I don't get it.
I like to think that people are genuinely good. They make mistakes here and there. But at the core they are decent people. I guess, I am wrong. Some people are just not good. Some people are selfish, self-serving, cold, and heartless.
So, I'm gonna go back to my old ways. Trust less, talk less, mingle less.
The fewer people you communicate with, the lesser the chance of being treated poorly.
I have no time for people who do not value me or my friendship.

Dear Irresponsible co-worker

There are a few things bothering me.
So, I think it's time to finally clear the air.
First of all, I find it absolutely outrageous that you cannot seem to get to work on time. I realize that you live a good 20-30 minutes away from the office. However, you know this. Therefore, you should plan to leave your house early enough to get here on time. No one is picking on you expecting you to get her at 7:59am. But any time before 8:15am shouldn't be difficult to accomplish.
When you are consistently late and leave early, this causes poor morale amongst our team. You, see each of us get here on time and/or work a complete 8hrs. When you blatantly work whatver hours you choose, this indicates to the team that you feel you are above the time constraints that each of us are required to adhere to each day. Why do you think that you deserve special treatment?
Secondly, I am not your boss. Don't want to be. But, if I assign you a task, I expect it to be done in a timely manner. When you do not complete your tasks, if reflects poorly on the entire team. I do not like looking bad or having to apologize because you are too lazy to get your job done. And if I call you, I have a damn good reason. I am not calling to chat. I am calling because it is important. I can understand one missed call, but not 10. And when you see that I have called you. CALL ME BACK immediately. This is your job.
Speaking of doing your job.. this means completing the task. Not doing it half assed, so that I have to go behind you and either fix what you did wrong or complete the job altogether. I do my job. Why can't do yours?

Mother's Day

Oh, boy. This was a rough day for me.
It started out pleasant enough. Coffee with the nabe.. lol
I had a good morning chit-chatting with her.
SHE is a thoughtful person. I'm not her mom, but she still thought of me and gave me a really nice gift.
But, sadly as the day continued, I started thinking of my mom.
I miss her still so much and thinking of how normally I would be at her house all day, on this day.
I would try to find an unusual plant or flower that would make her smile.
We would eat and talk and spend the whole day together.
But, not this year.
I began to feel sorry myself. Weakness.
But, that brings to light all the things around me that make me unhappy.
So, I'll tell you what really ruined my day.
This may sound spoiled, but whatever.

First of all, if you knew me, you would know that I am not a person who needs material things.
I don't care about expensive gifts or things like that.
What really moves me are the little things.
So, yesterday. I asked(even though it would be nice to not have to ask every once in a while) John if he would go to the store this time. I am usually the one to go out and get drinks or pick up take out.
I thought, this being mother's day, that maybe for once, I could have someone "go and get" for me.
He chose to go to sleep. I asked if he planned on getting food or smokes,since we were out. He said ya, I'll go later.
So, about an hour later, I'm hungry, he's sleeping. I need cigarettes.
So, I remember what mom said, "If you want something done and no one will do it. Do it yourself."
(And that is why I always do for myself.)
So, I say "John, I'm going to Taco Bell, do you want anything?"
"no," he replies, "I'm good."
I leave, shutting the door just hard enought to wake him up.
He has to know that I'm upset, right?
Well, he gets mad at me. Ha! Typical. Because I'm apparently being a b****.
It baffles me that this man has no idea why I could possibly be upset.

Next thing.
My daughter had spent Saturday night with a friend. Not a problem.
What is a problem, is that all I hear from her at 8 am saying "Happy Mother's Day, Mom"
And not again for the rest of the day. Around 7 pm, I text her saying "Whenever you're done having fun, you might wanna come take care of your cat."
Ok, I'm hurt. My daughter and my husband made no effort to make me feel important or special on a day when it is required to make a mom feel special. You see?
The only person in my life that ever made an effort to let me know that I matter to them was my mom.
And she's gone.
After fighting with Riley, I basically broke down.
He came outside to see what the problem was and how could he help?
Ha!
I told him he couldn't help because he's part of the problem.
That I feel so alone all the time. The two people that are supposed to love me the most, show me the least kindness, the least attention, the least affection, the least appreciation.
I don't want much. I don't need much. Just a small gesture to show me that I matter. That I'm important.
That they need me and appreciate me and love me.
I'm not asking for jewelry or expensive things.
Go to the store and get me a coffee, a soda. Do something for me, so that I don't have to. ANYTHING.
Any small gesture would suffice.
But, alas, nothing.

So, ya, not a great day for me. I had a pity party and cried all night. Ah well.
Moving on.. Happy Monday!

People baffle me

So, I think I'm a decent person.
By no means, perfect.
I have flaws.
I speak before thinking sometimes.
I tend to lash out viciously when I am hurt.
I have been known to gossip.
Sometimes, I am thoughtless.
But I try.
I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I try not to judge people before all the facts are in.
And if you a my friend, true friend, I will always support you.
So, what blows me away is when people have absolutely NO regard for other people.
When they treat people like trash to be thrown away.
I'm passed sad. Now I'm pissed.

I'm old..

I'm not ancient. I know that. I'm not even really that old.
But I sure do feel like it.
I realize that I am grown. I have a teen-aged daughter nearly out of high school.
I would love to think I were that young and silly 24 yr that used to get into so much trouble.
She ran around, worked for just enough money to buy essentials for her daughter and party.
I was fortunate enough to have parents that cared for my daughter when I was away.
I was an irresponsible mother and I allowed myself to behave recklessly with no concern for anyone but myself. Now, that's not what I want to be. I want to be a good mother and provide my daughter with an upbringing that will leave her ready and capable to survive on her own some day.
But, I miss the freeedom. The go and do. The lack of responsibility. No cares or concerns. I never even voted back then.
But, I am not that girl anymore.My body can't handle it. If I run around and do.. this leads to at least 2 days of recovery. And what "grown-up" has time for that??
Nowadays, I just wanna sleep.
So, ya. Maybe I'm old.
Meh.

Sadly..

It's a horrible feeling when you have to tell your child no.
As parents we want our children to have the best of everything. Not necessarily to spoil them, but to make sure they have all that they need, and then some.
I want my daughter to have whatever she wants because it makes her happy.
Probably not the best idea most of the time, but oh well.
But the times when I have to tell her no, because I cannot financially do it..
That straight up pisses me off.
In my house, financially things are divided.
He pays the mortgage and his bills, such as truck note, cell phone, and any other extras he has(4 wheeler, motorcycle).
I pay all the utilities in the house(including the cable), any household items that we may need, insurance on all vehicles, Riley and my cell phone bill and any extra that she and I may need. I'm supposed to cover all groceries for the house as well.
This is difficult. And I am for the most part living paycheck to paycheck. I am not poor. Don't get me wrong.
But, when the check hasn't come in yet and I have to say, "No, Riley. I don't have the money."
Dear Lord, this makes me so angry.