Feeling good

It has been 22 days since I started taking Healthe Trim.
This coincided with the beginning of Lent. For Lent I gave up bread and soda.
Although I have cheated on occasion and refused to give up beer.
So, I'm down 7 lbs.. feels good. At this rate, by June 1st, I should be down another 20lbs.
That will be much less offensive on the river this year!!

K, I say offensive. People tell me I have a distorted view of my appearance.
And I swear, I am not looking for compliments. I don't need them I say things like that because I am aware, FULLY aware of what I look like. No, I'm not repulsive. But I could stand to lose some poundage.
Simply because I would look better, feel better and fit into my clothes.
Admittedly, I mention my weight more often than I should.
Sadly, pointing this out so that no one else will. Or so that they will know that I am aware.
I know. Pitiful.
But, I know I could look better. Nearly 5 yrs ago, I was 40 lbs lighter. I liked how I looked. I felt comfortable. I felt good.
So, here we go.
62 days until June 1st. I'm gonna try for 25 lbs, but let's not bank on it.
Can't give up the beer.
Wish me luck!!!

Story time.

I read this story today and though it had a powerful message.


A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.
He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help."  
There were only a few coins in the hat.  
A man was walking by.  
He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.  
He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.  
He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up.  
A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.  
That afternoon the man who had changed the sign
came to see how things were.  
The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning?  
What did you write?"  
The man said, "I only wrote the truth.  I said what you said but in a different way.
"I wrote: 'Today is a beautiful day; but I cannot see it.'"
Both signs told people that the boy was blind.  
But the first sign simply said the boy was blind.  
The second sign reminded people how fortunate they were to have their sight.  
Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?  

Moral of the Story:  
Be thankful for what you have.  Be creative.  Be innovative.  Think differently and positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.  
Prepare for the future without fear.  Keep the faith and drop the fear.
It's a beautiful thing to see a person smiling.
But even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason for the smile!

Faith is not about everything turning out OK;  Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out. If you appreciate this message, please share. You may touch someone's heart today and forever.
Enjoy this beautiful day with a heart full of gratitude.

Something different

Today, instead of trying to be optimistic, I just am.
There's something about the sun and a cool breeze that lightens the mood.
You start to think anything is possible. You start to remember all of the things in your life that don't suck. :)

I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter that is my best friend. She is smart, funny and doesn't judge.
I have a husband for all of his faults, loves me.
I have a sister and brother that I can count on no matter what.
I have a father who insists on seeing me as his little girl. And I like that.
And after living so many years of my life with only a friend or two, I have a group of friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. We have our collective drama. No doubt.
But, on any given day these girls would totally have my back.
We laugh incessantly.
Know all of each other's secrets.
And have the best time time doing absolutely nothing.
But what I really love about these people is that no matter what I say or what I do(and believe me, it can be rough), they continue to be supportive and sweet.
I don't mean this to sound egotistical, but I allow few people in. It's hard to fully trust people and I hate to be hurt. Every relationship you have leaves you open for pain. But somehow I've let more people in than ever before. Some I see every day. Some I never see. But they are each very important to me in their own ways and make my life complete. I think of each one of them every day and hope that they are smiling.
I have said that there are people in my life that I could do without. That they would easily "lift out".
This is no where near the case with the people I am referring to.
They are in my heart.
I love each and every one of them.

Thinking aloud..

So, ya. Another day. Not so impressed.
This life thing is really frustrating. Is there really no great purpose?
There are great people throughout history that have made amazing discoveries and created wonderful inventions.
Accidents? Were they not put on the planet to be great? Extraordinary?
Do we not have purpose?
I was always been told that we have purpose. That there is a reason for my existence.
I wonder, what are we here for?

Your words

Am I abusing the blog?
Do I write too much?
Am I obnoxious and in love with my own thoughts?
I hope not.
I feel like I just want to get this out of my head.
I went to therapy for a while. But it felt like she just listened and didn't really help me. She said a few things that made sense, but didn't "solve" my issues.
So, this is becoming my surrogate therapy.

So, I know getting involved in your kids' drama is ridiculous. And Riley hates when I write about her. She thinks I'm not on her side. But yesterday there was so  much ugliness on the pages that it made me sad.
Just mean. I don't know about the way that kid was raised, but I raised mine to not be heartless. I fully understand being hurt by someone and lashing out at them. But, damn. I don't understand being cruel.
People are by nature vicious creatures. I have been hurt. I understand that. I even understand wanting to inflict pain as a means to alleviate your own. But, I am saddened by the way that people treat each other.
I just wanted to raise a person who has a beautiful heart. And I did. But she can be so much like me that I feel sad. I didn't want her to be the type of person who can be ruthless. I blame myself. Children mimic what they see. Children also do not understand the impact of their words. They think before they speak and rarely truly understand what they are even saying.
So, it's up to us as adults to teach our children compassion, sympathy and caring for our fellow human beings. Because regardless of how you feel a the moment, the words you say will live long after that in the heart of the person who received them.

All this being said, I need to practice what I preach and think of my words and the effect they may have.
Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. The truth can hurt worse than a lie.

Change

I really hate change.
I hate the word hate, but I have no better word.

Change isn't good.
Change hurts.
Change makes things awkward.
Change ruins lives and breaks hearts.
Change causes loneliness.
Change makes you lose who you were.

Which way do I go?

There are a lot of people in my life who have questions. Including myself.
Should I do this? Should I do that? Which choice do I make? Where should I eat? Which beer should I drink today? Very tough questions, indeed.
The thing about these questions or choices is that they are never easy. Because the choice that you make decides what the next question will be. That is terrifying. What if you make the wrong choice?

Wouldn't it be awesome to have an answer book? Then you wouldn't have to think for yourself. Or agonize over every decision you have to make.
You could cruise along life's highway with this ornate route already determined for you on this beautiful map.
Turn left, turn right. Time for a pit-stop. Back on the road. Oh, stop. Look at that scenery. Uh-oh, traffic. Stop. Go. Enjoy the curvey roads, up the hill, down the hill. But beautifully mapped out for you. No thought necessary. No decisions to make. You can sit back and enjoy the ride.
Easy, breezey, beautiful... cover girl.
Oh, how wonderful that would be!!!

We all know that nothing good is ever easy. But, every choice you make puts you where you should be.
That's the whole point, right? You get on the road and spontaneously, or somethimes agonizingly, decide which way to go. And that in itself is a marvelous thing. Because in the end, it's not really about your destination. It's about the trip to get there. It's about making a wrong turns or getting lost occasionally. Or sometimes hitting a dead and turning around to find another way. No matter how you get there, you always end up exactly where you are supposed to be.

Monday

There is such a stigma attached to Monday.
We begin to dread the day starting Sunday morning.
And from the the moment we awake on Monday, we count down until the beloved Friday arrives.

Maybe it's a little far-fetched, but wouldn't it be awesome to awaken on Friday and yearn for Monday??
I'd like that. Looking forward to Monday. It's a new start, a fresh beginning. Yay!! Monday!!!!

Ya, that just sounds ridiculous.

Maybe it's just time to learn to love every minute. To be thrilled in the moment. To be surprised and excited about what is about to happen, now. And now. And now.
I'm going to work on that. I'm going to be in the moment.

Friday-

And here it is, another work week gone.
What have I accomplished?
Not much to be honest.
But maybe that's okay.
I have done what I need to do. I am sure there will be more to do and I will do it.
But do I have any great sense of accomplishment? No. Not really.

I will ramble on.. as my thoughts are jumbled.
But, I have one goal today.
Remain positive. By any means necessary.

So, this zen stuff kills me.
I have but one reference on it and he confuses me.
Maybe I put waaaaayyy too much thought into it.
Yesterday, I said that a relationship can be just what it is, with no expectations, no disappointment. This appeals to me. He said,"very zen".
It's easy to do from far away.
But, I wish that I could apply it to my more immediate relationships.

With that being said, the honest truth of it is that you do have expectations every day.
You expect to wake up. You expect to go to work. You expect people to live up to their side of the bargain. And you expect to be disappointed.
That's the sad truth of it. Expectations. Disappointments.
How do you turn that off?

I think I'm pretty accepting of people. I try. I realize that people make mistakes and not to judge or penalize them for said mistakes.
Sometimes it's hard to do. And some people{JB}, do not catch a break in that area because of aforementioned {pesky}expectations.
Point being, this acceptance thing should be fairly easy for me. Just kick back and accept life the way it is. Just take it. No anger. No sadness. Certainly no surprise or regret.

I think I will try that out today.
I'm a duck.
Water roll off.

Hermit life..

Seriously considering a life as a hermit..
I could get a job where I could work from home.
I could totally have food delivered.
I have internet. I have a cell phone. There is skype w/ video.
I have books, television. Why would I need to leave the house?
Oh!!! Human contact. I forgot!
Pffffttt.. I'm really wondering if that's all it's cracked up to be.

What you think is what you become..

A friend told me this yesterday.
Is it that simple? Do we take these words too literally?
Can I just think that I'm happy and it be so?? Am I that powerful?
I guess it's the same as if you decide that you are going to lose weight and you just do it.
You say to yourself, I am going to be happy. And you just are.
How much does life influence you?
Is it really a crock that your environment molds you into who you are??
I always say that yes, your environment, your family gives you a foundation, a kind of mold of who you're going to be. But, then you become an adult and make your own decisions about the kind of person you want to be, about the decisions you make in your life.
Is this also true about happiness? About peace??
Do you just wake up one day and say, "I'm going to be happy?"
And you are??

Have I been an idiot all this time??
Waiting for things to change and stupidly expecting them to do so without any effort on my part.
How ignorant am I?

Now let's think about this..
I woke up one day and decided I did not like the way I look.
But, the thought of giving up the very things that make me happy, fattening foods and soda, seemed nearly impossible for me.
But, I said I can just say no. Don't get me wrong, I have some help. Lovely little, appetite-suppressing diet pills.
And I've managed to live for the last 2 weeks without those things. And I've gotten to the point where, yes, I know that they are delicious and I would love to taste them, but I do not need them.
So, then, is it that easy with life?
Do we just make a decision to be happy? To be satisfied? And we just are?
My mind is swimming..

The path to enlightenment..

Who knows where this path is?
Who knows what this enlightenment is?
I just want peace. And at this point I'm willing to try anything.
The Buddhists roughly state that life is suffering and suffering is life. Or something like that.
I know that. Is that the truth that they speak of? From what I've read "the wanting more" part of life is where we fall short.
And maybe being able to be satisfied with where we are in life is the whole truth, the key.
I am guilty of wanting more. Who isn't? But most of the time I just want less. Less stress, less anxiety, less anger, less guilt, less shame, less pity, less responsibilty, less "duty", less stuff to deal with.
My favorite moments are when I am alone in my thoughts. Listening to the sounds around me or the sound of my own breathing. Less definitely is more.
I guess the point of this is basically an introduction to my journey down this so-called path..
I hope by putting these thoughts down I can come to some conclusions about myself, my life and ultimately, find this peace that I am looking for.