I will survive.. or will I?

Every day we face a hundred things that affect us.
Some one with a nsty attitude says the wrong thing.
Traffic may be a bitch on the way to work.
Work may pile up and you have to scramble to get it done.
Maybe you didn't get enough sleep.
You may have to pick up afte ryour family every day.
Maybe your car breaks down.
Maybe your coworker gets on your damn nerves.
Or the people closest to you seem to have absolutley no idea who you are.
There are so many things that could happen in a day.
Some people call these tests. As in, we are tested daily to build character or determine how we handle these situations.
At times, we may shake these things off and go on unaffected.
At times, we may want desperately to scream or rip someones face off.
Who knows the right answer? If I react poorly to a situation does that make me weak? Does it mean I'm not a good Christian?
Surely, we all have a little crazy in us. Surely, God forgives momentary lapses in judgement.
Because really, I am not a saint. I doubt I'm even one of Gods favorites. He knows where I stand. He also knows my limits. So, undoubtedly He forgives me, right?
Quite often, I don't know what's right or how to behave. I'm rude. I'm mean. Sometimes even vicious.
But, I love my family. I'm forgiving and accepting. I may resent the way they treat me, but, I take it and move on. And I love them just the same.
I think my biggest question is why?
Why is it okay for some people to just go along with worries or cares? Why is it that I have to stress out? Other people seem to be able to just sail through the day with no worries or cares..
Here I go whining again. That's the point right?
You just suck it up. That makes you a better person.
Well, to that I say~ bullshit.

?

People always claim to be good people. Well, not everyone can be a good person. Not everyone is as nice as they say. Are they lying to you so that you will like them or are they lying to themselves because they are ashamed of the truth?
"I'm only human" is the universal tagline for "I make mistakes, I suck and I plan on lying about it."
Because really, who actually wants to come clean with all their shit? Who wants to admit to themselves that they suck and are the worst? Therefore, we work tirelessly denying and lying and spinning our stories so that some stranger will think we are a good person. It's completely exhausting. It's so tiresome to be good, or to even pretend to be good. Human beings as a race are built to sin, fail, do wrong, whatever you want to call it.
These days people are weak and tender. They become offended at the smallest thing. Thin skinned pussies.
It's annoying. So, we have to apologize for who we are and how we feel. I don't want to anymore.
I'm not sorry. I won't apologize. It is not my fault that you can't handle the truth.
Because I do not lie. I have no need to. And if the truth hurts you, too bad.
That is something you need to come to grips with. By all means, you are more than welcome to criticize me. I would never hate you for it, unless you lie about it. I know my faults, more than anyone. I live with them every day.

"I don't judge." This is an awesome statement, that while well-intentioned, can never be true. No matter how much you want it to be. We are a shitty species, humans. We are hypocritical and mean.
I don't want to judge you. And if I do, it doesn't mean it changes how I feel about you. Because all though I don't like or agree with what you do or say, I will always defend your right to it.
I have ugly thoughts about people all the time because of how they look and what they wear, their teeth, the stupid shit that comes out of their mouths and how they behave. I sit on my high horse occasionally.  But truthfully a minute goes by and I realize that has not changed my opinion of you. Because I have just as many, if not more flaws and I'm positive you've had an ugly thought about me once or twice. And I'm okay with that.
I am guilty of any number of sins and hypocritical contradictions. BUT dammit at least I will own up to that shit. I can't very well sit back and deny that I'm a liar.

But the 2 worst possible things I can think of that a person can be guilty of is vanity or arrogance. While I have a tendency to presume myself better than others on some level, I wouldn't say that out loud. There is speaking the truth because it needs to be said and then, there is just plain mean. I try not to be mean.
But, I cannot stand people who outwardly promote themselves. Are you so pathetic that you cannot allow your merits to stand on their own?? Must you really announce to the world how awesome you are???
A word to the wise: The more you tell me how awesome you are, the less likely I am to believe it. If you are confident in your product, you shouldn't have to over-sell it. The quality will show and sell itself.
It is my belief that there are two types of people who are self-promoters: the sad cat who feels like people think poorly of him so he has to talk himself up to convince himself and others that he is in fact worthy and then the DB who may actually be a pretty awesome guy but feels like he has to constantly remind people of the fact. And that my friends is pathetic.
I'm sure I will have more thoughts on this again soon.

Road map, please.

I'm feeling so lost these days. I really don't know where to go, what to do, how to feel.
It's so crazy and scary that one person can make such a difference in your life.
So much so, that when they are gone you have no idea how to go on without them.
Mom has been gone almost 2 yrs now and I still have no idea how to function without her.
My guiding light is gone.
Of course, I'm living. Day to day, hour by hour. But, I feel alone all the time.
I feel like I have no one. And if I did, I really have nothing to say.
I love to be out amongst people, I don't have to think about Mom or Dad. Worry about my sister, Riley or John. I can forget all the responsibilities that come with being grown up. I can get lost in the superficial talk of the crowd. Where nothing is personal or even relevant to my life. I can escape from who I am and what I need to do.
I feel like the safest, most comfortable place in the world is in my room alone.
Problem is that no one is there. And by staying there I am giving in. I don't want to give in.
I just want something to matter. I want something to mean something to some one.
Where do I go? What do I do? I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything.

It is what iit is.

There are moments in life when you look around and wonder is this really it?
Is this all my life will be?
Growing up we have these grand ideas of what our lives will be like when we grow up.
We will be wealthy. We will marry some one wonderful and have beautiful children.
We have dreams of bliss.
Then we grow up and settle in to what our lives really are.
Hopefully we have a considerate spouse and obedient children, a modest living and a comfortable home.
All the while, we wonder if there is something better. Could I be happier?
In Buddhism there are four Noble Truths about life. The second one explains a lot.

The second truth is that suffering is caused by craving and aversion. We will suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectation, if we want others to like us, if we do not get something we want,etc. In other words, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness. A lifetime of wanting and craving and especially the craving to continue to exist, creates a powerful energy which causes the individual to be born. So craving leads to physical suffering because it causes us to be reborn.

From this I understand that our suffering comes from the wanting. Wanting more. Wanting him to treat me how I treat him. Wanting things that I will not ultimately receive.
Here I am conflicted. I know that my wanting, expecting more or different I create unhappiness for myself.
On the other hand, does this mean that I have to accept what I have and be comfortable in it? To just "deal" with my life as it is? Should I be content in mediocrity?
Does that question alone diminish the tone of my life?
Most likely. By saying 'mediocrity' at all I have stated that my life is not good enough.
Thus, creating negative energy.
The ultimate question: Do I change it? Do I find peace and acceptance in my life now?
It's all hypocrisy and catch 22s.
For now, I'll leave it alone.

Confused

I don't understand. I ususally think I have a pretty good grasp on people. I think I can understand their behavior. Most times things are understandable and I am able to rationalize the way people work.
But, there are times when I am dumbfounded. There are times when I don't get it.
I like to think that people are genuinely good. They make mistakes here and there. But at the core they are decent people. I guess, I am wrong. Some people are just not good. Some people are selfish, self-serving, cold, and heartless.
So, I'm gonna go back to my old ways. Trust less, talk less, mingle less.
The fewer people you communicate with, the lesser the chance of being treated poorly.
I have no time for people who do not value me or my friendship.

Dear Irresponsible co-worker

There are a few things bothering me.
So, I think it's time to finally clear the air.
First of all, I find it absolutely outrageous that you cannot seem to get to work on time. I realize that you live a good 20-30 minutes away from the office. However, you know this. Therefore, you should plan to leave your house early enough to get here on time. No one is picking on you expecting you to get her at 7:59am. But any time before 8:15am shouldn't be difficult to accomplish.
When you are consistently late and leave early, this causes poor morale amongst our team. You, see each of us get here on time and/or work a complete 8hrs. When you blatantly work whatver hours you choose, this indicates to the team that you feel you are above the time constraints that each of us are required to adhere to each day. Why do you think that you deserve special treatment?
Secondly, I am not your boss. Don't want to be. But, if I assign you a task, I expect it to be done in a timely manner. When you do not complete your tasks, if reflects poorly on the entire team. I do not like looking bad or having to apologize because you are too lazy to get your job done. And if I call you, I have a damn good reason. I am not calling to chat. I am calling because it is important. I can understand one missed call, but not 10. And when you see that I have called you. CALL ME BACK immediately. This is your job.
Speaking of doing your job.. this means completing the task. Not doing it half assed, so that I have to go behind you and either fix what you did wrong or complete the job altogether. I do my job. Why can't do yours?

Mother's Day

Oh, boy. This was a rough day for me.
It started out pleasant enough. Coffee with the nabe.. lol
I had a good morning chit-chatting with her.
SHE is a thoughtful person. I'm not her mom, but she still thought of me and gave me a really nice gift.
But, sadly as the day continued, I started thinking of my mom.
I miss her still so much and thinking of how normally I would be at her house all day, on this day.
I would try to find an unusual plant or flower that would make her smile.
We would eat and talk and spend the whole day together.
But, not this year.
I began to feel sorry myself. Weakness.
But, that brings to light all the things around me that make me unhappy.
So, I'll tell you what really ruined my day.
This may sound spoiled, but whatever.

First of all, if you knew me, you would know that I am not a person who needs material things.
I don't care about expensive gifts or things like that.
What really moves me are the little things.
So, yesterday. I asked(even though it would be nice to not have to ask every once in a while) John if he would go to the store this time. I am usually the one to go out and get drinks or pick up take out.
I thought, this being mother's day, that maybe for once, I could have someone "go and get" for me.
He chose to go to sleep. I asked if he planned on getting food or smokes,since we were out. He said ya, I'll go later.
So, about an hour later, I'm hungry, he's sleeping. I need cigarettes.
So, I remember what mom said, "If you want something done and no one will do it. Do it yourself."
(And that is why I always do for myself.)
So, I say "John, I'm going to Taco Bell, do you want anything?"
"no," he replies, "I'm good."
I leave, shutting the door just hard enought to wake him up.
He has to know that I'm upset, right?
Well, he gets mad at me. Ha! Typical. Because I'm apparently being a b****.
It baffles me that this man has no idea why I could possibly be upset.

Next thing.
My daughter had spent Saturday night with a friend. Not a problem.
What is a problem, is that all I hear from her at 8 am saying "Happy Mother's Day, Mom"
And not again for the rest of the day. Around 7 pm, I text her saying "Whenever you're done having fun, you might wanna come take care of your cat."
Ok, I'm hurt. My daughter and my husband made no effort to make me feel important or special on a day when it is required to make a mom feel special. You see?
The only person in my life that ever made an effort to let me know that I matter to them was my mom.
And she's gone.
After fighting with Riley, I basically broke down.
He came outside to see what the problem was and how could he help?
Ha!
I told him he couldn't help because he's part of the problem.
That I feel so alone all the time. The two people that are supposed to love me the most, show me the least kindness, the least attention, the least affection, the least appreciation.
I don't want much. I don't need much. Just a small gesture to show me that I matter. That I'm important.
That they need me and appreciate me and love me.
I'm not asking for jewelry or expensive things.
Go to the store and get me a coffee, a soda. Do something for me, so that I don't have to. ANYTHING.
Any small gesture would suffice.
But, alas, nothing.

So, ya, not a great day for me. I had a pity party and cried all night. Ah well.
Moving on.. Happy Monday!

People baffle me

So, I think I'm a decent person.
By no means, perfect.
I have flaws.
I speak before thinking sometimes.
I tend to lash out viciously when I am hurt.
I have been known to gossip.
Sometimes, I am thoughtless.
But I try.
I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I try not to judge people before all the facts are in.
And if you a my friend, true friend, I will always support you.
So, what blows me away is when people have absolutely NO regard for other people.
When they treat people like trash to be thrown away.
I'm passed sad. Now I'm pissed.

I'm old..

I'm not ancient. I know that. I'm not even really that old.
But I sure do feel like it.
I realize that I am grown. I have a teen-aged daughter nearly out of high school.
I would love to think I were that young and silly 24 yr that used to get into so much trouble.
She ran around, worked for just enough money to buy essentials for her daughter and party.
I was fortunate enough to have parents that cared for my daughter when I was away.
I was an irresponsible mother and I allowed myself to behave recklessly with no concern for anyone but myself. Now, that's not what I want to be. I want to be a good mother and provide my daughter with an upbringing that will leave her ready and capable to survive on her own some day.
But, I miss the freeedom. The go and do. The lack of responsibility. No cares or concerns. I never even voted back then.
But, I am not that girl anymore.My body can't handle it. If I run around and do.. this leads to at least 2 days of recovery. And what "grown-up" has time for that??
Nowadays, I just wanna sleep.
So, ya. Maybe I'm old.
Meh.

Sadly..

It's a horrible feeling when you have to tell your child no.
As parents we want our children to have the best of everything. Not necessarily to spoil them, but to make sure they have all that they need, and then some.
I want my daughter to have whatever she wants because it makes her happy.
Probably not the best idea most of the time, but oh well.
But the times when I have to tell her no, because I cannot financially do it..
That straight up pisses me off.
In my house, financially things are divided.
He pays the mortgage and his bills, such as truck note, cell phone, and any other extras he has(4 wheeler, motorcycle).
I pay all the utilities in the house(including the cable), any household items that we may need, insurance on all vehicles, Riley and my cell phone bill and any extra that she and I may need. I'm supposed to cover all groceries for the house as well.
This is difficult. And I am for the most part living paycheck to paycheck. I am not poor. Don't get me wrong.
But, when the check hasn't come in yet and I have to say, "No, Riley. I don't have the money."
Dear Lord, this makes me so angry.

Revelation.. I already knew

So, I could say I had a revelation. But really it was more like a reminder.
I "remembered" that I am on my own.
If I want something, I have to get it.
If I want something done, I have to do it.
Which is cool. It is what it is.
I won't lie and say I'm not bitter about it. But, I have to accept it and move on.

I miss my mom. She was the only person I could ever really rely on.
And she told me that life is like that. Marriage is like that.
She wasn't ugly about it, but she did teach me that you can't really depend on anyone.
It's a sad fact about life. You just have to deal.

The amazing thing about this realization is that I am oddly at peace with it.
I get a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction having taken care of things myself.
I have no one to thank or to be grateful to. I am happy with myself for having done whatever.
And I don't ever owe anyone anything.

Hallelujah!!

I do so love Fridays!! It's like a birthday every week.
From the time you get up, you're like, 8hrs to go..
Like a kid waiting for the bell to ring to bring on Summer break.
Difference is, the Summer only lasts 2 and half days. But we'll take it.
So, we as adults get to experience that anticipation every week. Those 8 hrs feel like the last week of school. Every one is at the edge of their seat, watching the clock, counting down.
So, here I go.. with 5 and a half hrs to go!!!

What's it worth?

Worth.. What exactly does that word mean?

Online definitions...


-an indefinite quantity of something having a specified value; "10 dollars worth of gasoline"

-the quality that renders something desirable or valuable or useful

-deserving: worthy of being treated in a particular way; "an idea worth considering"; "the deserving poor" (often used ironically)

-French couturier (born in England) regarded as the founder of Parisian haute couture; noted for introducing the bustle (1825-1895)

-worth(p): having a specified value; "not worth his salt"; "worth her weight in gold"


A thing is only worth what you will pay, give, or sacrifice for it.
People ask,"Is it really worth my time?" "Is that really worth the trouble?"
That all depends on what you are willing to do or give.

To illustrate my point, I will  share something personal. And by doing so I mean absolutely no harm.
I love my husband. I really do. He has so many good qualities and I know that he loves me.
But, we do not have a romantic, affectionate, passionate relationship.
I honestly would like to have that. The flirty, sexy interactions. The "wanting".
I would love to feel like I am desirable and pretty.
I usually feel like a second class citizen in my house. I never feel important and my needs are never put first. Oh, lord I sound like a brat. I know that when you have a family, your needs come second. But, his never do. His needs always come first. Things always go the way he wants them to. I have allowed this behavior, so, I am partly to blame. This is not a bitch-about-my-husband fest. But, it would be wonderful to have a man that appreciates me.
However, I'm not going to throw everything we have away because I don't recieve the affection or desire from my husband that I would like.
So to me, it's not worth it. The marriage itself outweighs my needs to feel special. The time invested, so far, is not worth throwing away in the hopes that some day I will find that delirious happy that I see in the movies.

So, here's when it gets tricky. Are the sacrifices we make worth our happiness?
In this life, time is short. Should you waste time on comfort and routine? Or should you take a chance and risk it all for something different? Will different be worth the price you pay?

I read back over this and realize that it is jumbled and confusing. But, the topic has me jumbled and confused. Meh. When will I find clarity?

Monday.. again.

So, here we are again, another weekend gone. The time just flies.
The weekend was good. Friday night at the ball park. Drinks with my girl Megan.
She's good people. She really is a good friend.

Saturday was spent getting Boo ready for prom. Fun stuff, let me tell you. I sometimes wish I were more girlie, so that I could really get into this stuff with her. Shopping and nails and the whole bit, would be more fun for her if I enjoyed it.
That night the nabe and BFF had a party for her softball team. Donkapalooza III. Good people, lots of fun.
You'd have to know Courtney. She is one of the most generous, loving, caring people. She goes all out for her friends.
She threw this party for her friends, and it was her birthday. But that's how she is. She puts herself aside and does what she can to make sure that her friends have a good time. I love that about her.
And it was fun. I however, pooped out early. But I hear the Beer Donk tourney was great.
Sunday was spent doing nothing. I was in bed all day. I got some sleep, which was needed.
Today however, I feel like maybe I got to much sleep. But, still feel tired. I don't know.

Hoping today goes by quickly, much needed housework waiting for me.

Friday

So, it's Friday.
That doesn't sound very enthusiastic, I know.
But, believe me, I am thrilled.
Every Monday, I start the countdown. And here it is another week gone by.
I have especially been looking forward to this weekend.
Tonight will be the Friday ritual of softbal~beer~friends.
Saturday Riley will be attending prom with her friend Brandon.
The neighbors are having festivities. So the neighborhood will be buzzing with people, music and laughter.
This makes me happy.

It's funny how one sentence can alter your entire mood.
I was in a perfectly happy mood.
Some jackass says 5 words. Now I want to ring his neck.
People really need to think before they speak.

On pause for a bit......

Okay, reqrouped. Over that noise.
So, Friday..
The day always begins with hope. As in, I hope the day goes by quickly.. lol
Ususally everyone is in such a good mood because in 8 hrs, it's summer time all over again.
That said.. 30 minutes and I am outta here for 2 days.
I will relish my time away and try to make the best of it.

This is my favorite place in the world.

New Braunsfels, Tx

I have had the best times of my life here.

There is fun, friends, camping, drinking and floating.

But, what I love most is the float. On that river, for 5-8 hrs, I am free.

I can sing or laugh, swim or float. I can close my eyes and I am all alone.

There is no job. There are no bills. There is no pesky housework or responsibilities.

I am one person without a care in the world. I am me.

There are rapids, turns, chutes, and there are times when you feel like you've been in the same spot for hours. But no matter where you are, you are displace from the rest of the world.

There is a river community. We all have one goal, have fun and survive the trip.

For those hours on the river, you and every one around you are part of a foreign land. The rules are simple.

No glass, no jello shots, lol. There are a couple more, but.. meh.

But, this place is seperate from everything else.

Me..

I like singing in the shower
reading books at night
Wearing sexy heels
And jeans that fit just right

I like sitting in the dark
Red paint on my toes
Getting a massage
And when my tattoos show

I love the sound of rain on the roof
the color green at any shade
floating down the river with a beer in hand
and the smell of popcorn being made

I love the warmth of a new born baby
And ball park sounds too
The sound of a violin
And a mountain top view.

I miss my mother’s laugh
And hide and seek in the dark
Running till I couldn’t breathe
And playing at the park

I miss being carefree
Dancing in the rain
Loving with my whole heart
And never knowing pain

I need my daughter’s love
Comfort when I’m low
Inspiration to improve
And someone just to know

I need laughter every day
Something fun to do
Acceptance to a fault
And always knowing you

Feeling good

It has been 22 days since I started taking Healthe Trim.
This coincided with the beginning of Lent. For Lent I gave up bread and soda.
Although I have cheated on occasion and refused to give up beer.
So, I'm down 7 lbs.. feels good. At this rate, by June 1st, I should be down another 20lbs.
That will be much less offensive on the river this year!!

K, I say offensive. People tell me I have a distorted view of my appearance.
And I swear, I am not looking for compliments. I don't need them I say things like that because I am aware, FULLY aware of what I look like. No, I'm not repulsive. But I could stand to lose some poundage.
Simply because I would look better, feel better and fit into my clothes.
Admittedly, I mention my weight more often than I should.
Sadly, pointing this out so that no one else will. Or so that they will know that I am aware.
I know. Pitiful.
But, I know I could look better. Nearly 5 yrs ago, I was 40 lbs lighter. I liked how I looked. I felt comfortable. I felt good.
So, here we go.
62 days until June 1st. I'm gonna try for 25 lbs, but let's not bank on it.
Can't give up the beer.
Wish me luck!!!

Story time.

I read this story today and though it had a powerful message.


A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.
He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help."  
There were only a few coins in the hat.  
A man was walking by.  
He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.  
He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.  
He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up.  
A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.  
That afternoon the man who had changed the sign
came to see how things were.  
The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning?  
What did you write?"  
The man said, "I only wrote the truth.  I said what you said but in a different way.
"I wrote: 'Today is a beautiful day; but I cannot see it.'"
Both signs told people that the boy was blind.  
But the first sign simply said the boy was blind.  
The second sign reminded people how fortunate they were to have their sight.  
Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?  

Moral of the Story:  
Be thankful for what you have.  Be creative.  Be innovative.  Think differently and positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.  
Prepare for the future without fear.  Keep the faith and drop the fear.
It's a beautiful thing to see a person smiling.
But even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason for the smile!

Faith is not about everything turning out OK;  Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out. If you appreciate this message, please share. You may touch someone's heart today and forever.
Enjoy this beautiful day with a heart full of gratitude.

Something different

Today, instead of trying to be optimistic, I just am.
There's something about the sun and a cool breeze that lightens the mood.
You start to think anything is possible. You start to remember all of the things in your life that don't suck. :)

I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter that is my best friend. She is smart, funny and doesn't judge.
I have a husband for all of his faults, loves me.
I have a sister and brother that I can count on no matter what.
I have a father who insists on seeing me as his little girl. And I like that.
And after living so many years of my life with only a friend or two, I have a group of friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. We have our collective drama. No doubt.
But, on any given day these girls would totally have my back.
We laugh incessantly.
Know all of each other's secrets.
And have the best time time doing absolutely nothing.
But what I really love about these people is that no matter what I say or what I do(and believe me, it can be rough), they continue to be supportive and sweet.
I don't mean this to sound egotistical, but I allow few people in. It's hard to fully trust people and I hate to be hurt. Every relationship you have leaves you open for pain. But somehow I've let more people in than ever before. Some I see every day. Some I never see. But they are each very important to me in their own ways and make my life complete. I think of each one of them every day and hope that they are smiling.
I have said that there are people in my life that I could do without. That they would easily "lift out".
This is no where near the case with the people I am referring to.
They are in my heart.
I love each and every one of them.

Thinking aloud..

So, ya. Another day. Not so impressed.
This life thing is really frustrating. Is there really no great purpose?
There are great people throughout history that have made amazing discoveries and created wonderful inventions.
Accidents? Were they not put on the planet to be great? Extraordinary?
Do we not have purpose?
I was always been told that we have purpose. That there is a reason for my existence.
I wonder, what are we here for?

Your words

Am I abusing the blog?
Do I write too much?
Am I obnoxious and in love with my own thoughts?
I hope not.
I feel like I just want to get this out of my head.
I went to therapy for a while. But it felt like she just listened and didn't really help me. She said a few things that made sense, but didn't "solve" my issues.
So, this is becoming my surrogate therapy.

So, I know getting involved in your kids' drama is ridiculous. And Riley hates when I write about her. She thinks I'm not on her side. But yesterday there was so  much ugliness on the pages that it made me sad.
Just mean. I don't know about the way that kid was raised, but I raised mine to not be heartless. I fully understand being hurt by someone and lashing out at them. But, damn. I don't understand being cruel.
People are by nature vicious creatures. I have been hurt. I understand that. I even understand wanting to inflict pain as a means to alleviate your own. But, I am saddened by the way that people treat each other.
I just wanted to raise a person who has a beautiful heart. And I did. But she can be so much like me that I feel sad. I didn't want her to be the type of person who can be ruthless. I blame myself. Children mimic what they see. Children also do not understand the impact of their words. They think before they speak and rarely truly understand what they are even saying.
So, it's up to us as adults to teach our children compassion, sympathy and caring for our fellow human beings. Because regardless of how you feel a the moment, the words you say will live long after that in the heart of the person who received them.

All this being said, I need to practice what I preach and think of my words and the effect they may have.
Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. The truth can hurt worse than a lie.

Change

I really hate change.
I hate the word hate, but I have no better word.

Change isn't good.
Change hurts.
Change makes things awkward.
Change ruins lives and breaks hearts.
Change causes loneliness.
Change makes you lose who you were.

Which way do I go?

There are a lot of people in my life who have questions. Including myself.
Should I do this? Should I do that? Which choice do I make? Where should I eat? Which beer should I drink today? Very tough questions, indeed.
The thing about these questions or choices is that they are never easy. Because the choice that you make decides what the next question will be. That is terrifying. What if you make the wrong choice?

Wouldn't it be awesome to have an answer book? Then you wouldn't have to think for yourself. Or agonize over every decision you have to make.
You could cruise along life's highway with this ornate route already determined for you on this beautiful map.
Turn left, turn right. Time for a pit-stop. Back on the road. Oh, stop. Look at that scenery. Uh-oh, traffic. Stop. Go. Enjoy the curvey roads, up the hill, down the hill. But beautifully mapped out for you. No thought necessary. No decisions to make. You can sit back and enjoy the ride.
Easy, breezey, beautiful... cover girl.
Oh, how wonderful that would be!!!

We all know that nothing good is ever easy. But, every choice you make puts you where you should be.
That's the whole point, right? You get on the road and spontaneously, or somethimes agonizingly, decide which way to go. And that in itself is a marvelous thing. Because in the end, it's not really about your destination. It's about the trip to get there. It's about making a wrong turns or getting lost occasionally. Or sometimes hitting a dead and turning around to find another way. No matter how you get there, you always end up exactly where you are supposed to be.

Monday

There is such a stigma attached to Monday.
We begin to dread the day starting Sunday morning.
And from the the moment we awake on Monday, we count down until the beloved Friday arrives.

Maybe it's a little far-fetched, but wouldn't it be awesome to awaken on Friday and yearn for Monday??
I'd like that. Looking forward to Monday. It's a new start, a fresh beginning. Yay!! Monday!!!!

Ya, that just sounds ridiculous.

Maybe it's just time to learn to love every minute. To be thrilled in the moment. To be surprised and excited about what is about to happen, now. And now. And now.
I'm going to work on that. I'm going to be in the moment.

Friday-

And here it is, another work week gone.
What have I accomplished?
Not much to be honest.
But maybe that's okay.
I have done what I need to do. I am sure there will be more to do and I will do it.
But do I have any great sense of accomplishment? No. Not really.

I will ramble on.. as my thoughts are jumbled.
But, I have one goal today.
Remain positive. By any means necessary.

So, this zen stuff kills me.
I have but one reference on it and he confuses me.
Maybe I put waaaaayyy too much thought into it.
Yesterday, I said that a relationship can be just what it is, with no expectations, no disappointment. This appeals to me. He said,"very zen".
It's easy to do from far away.
But, I wish that I could apply it to my more immediate relationships.

With that being said, the honest truth of it is that you do have expectations every day.
You expect to wake up. You expect to go to work. You expect people to live up to their side of the bargain. And you expect to be disappointed.
That's the sad truth of it. Expectations. Disappointments.
How do you turn that off?

I think I'm pretty accepting of people. I try. I realize that people make mistakes and not to judge or penalize them for said mistakes.
Sometimes it's hard to do. And some people{JB}, do not catch a break in that area because of aforementioned {pesky}expectations.
Point being, this acceptance thing should be fairly easy for me. Just kick back and accept life the way it is. Just take it. No anger. No sadness. Certainly no surprise or regret.

I think I will try that out today.
I'm a duck.
Water roll off.

Hermit life..

Seriously considering a life as a hermit..
I could get a job where I could work from home.
I could totally have food delivered.
I have internet. I have a cell phone. There is skype w/ video.
I have books, television. Why would I need to leave the house?
Oh!!! Human contact. I forgot!
Pffffttt.. I'm really wondering if that's all it's cracked up to be.

What you think is what you become..

A friend told me this yesterday.
Is it that simple? Do we take these words too literally?
Can I just think that I'm happy and it be so?? Am I that powerful?
I guess it's the same as if you decide that you are going to lose weight and you just do it.
You say to yourself, I am going to be happy. And you just are.
How much does life influence you?
Is it really a crock that your environment molds you into who you are??
I always say that yes, your environment, your family gives you a foundation, a kind of mold of who you're going to be. But, then you become an adult and make your own decisions about the kind of person you want to be, about the decisions you make in your life.
Is this also true about happiness? About peace??
Do you just wake up one day and say, "I'm going to be happy?"
And you are??

Have I been an idiot all this time??
Waiting for things to change and stupidly expecting them to do so without any effort on my part.
How ignorant am I?

Now let's think about this..
I woke up one day and decided I did not like the way I look.
But, the thought of giving up the very things that make me happy, fattening foods and soda, seemed nearly impossible for me.
But, I said I can just say no. Don't get me wrong, I have some help. Lovely little, appetite-suppressing diet pills.
And I've managed to live for the last 2 weeks without those things. And I've gotten to the point where, yes, I know that they are delicious and I would love to taste them, but I do not need them.
So, then, is it that easy with life?
Do we just make a decision to be happy? To be satisfied? And we just are?
My mind is swimming..

The path to enlightenment..

Who knows where this path is?
Who knows what this enlightenment is?
I just want peace. And at this point I'm willing to try anything.
The Buddhists roughly state that life is suffering and suffering is life. Or something like that.
I know that. Is that the truth that they speak of? From what I've read "the wanting more" part of life is where we fall short.
And maybe being able to be satisfied with where we are in life is the whole truth, the key.
I am guilty of wanting more. Who isn't? But most of the time I just want less. Less stress, less anxiety, less anger, less guilt, less shame, less pity, less responsibilty, less "duty", less stuff to deal with.
My favorite moments are when I am alone in my thoughts. Listening to the sounds around me or the sound of my own breathing. Less definitely is more.
I guess the point of this is basically an introduction to my journey down this so-called path..
I hope by putting these thoughts down I can come to some conclusions about myself, my life and ultimately, find this peace that I am looking for.