I'm old..

I'm not ancient. I know that. I'm not even really that old.
But I sure do feel like it.
I realize that I am grown. I have a teen-aged daughter nearly out of high school.
I would love to think I were that young and silly 24 yr that used to get into so much trouble.
She ran around, worked for just enough money to buy essentials for her daughter and party.
I was fortunate enough to have parents that cared for my daughter when I was away.
I was an irresponsible mother and I allowed myself to behave recklessly with no concern for anyone but myself. Now, that's not what I want to be. I want to be a good mother and provide my daughter with an upbringing that will leave her ready and capable to survive on her own some day.
But, I miss the freeedom. The go and do. The lack of responsibility. No cares or concerns. I never even voted back then.
But, I am not that girl anymore.My body can't handle it. If I run around and do.. this leads to at least 2 days of recovery. And what "grown-up" has time for that??
Nowadays, I just wanna sleep.
So, ya. Maybe I'm old.
Meh.

Sadly..

It's a horrible feeling when you have to tell your child no.
As parents we want our children to have the best of everything. Not necessarily to spoil them, but to make sure they have all that they need, and then some.
I want my daughter to have whatever she wants because it makes her happy.
Probably not the best idea most of the time, but oh well.
But the times when I have to tell her no, because I cannot financially do it..
That straight up pisses me off.
In my house, financially things are divided.
He pays the mortgage and his bills, such as truck note, cell phone, and any other extras he has(4 wheeler, motorcycle).
I pay all the utilities in the house(including the cable), any household items that we may need, insurance on all vehicles, Riley and my cell phone bill and any extra that she and I may need. I'm supposed to cover all groceries for the house as well.
This is difficult. And I am for the most part living paycheck to paycheck. I am not poor. Don't get me wrong.
But, when the check hasn't come in yet and I have to say, "No, Riley. I don't have the money."
Dear Lord, this makes me so angry.

Revelation.. I already knew

So, I could say I had a revelation. But really it was more like a reminder.
I "remembered" that I am on my own.
If I want something, I have to get it.
If I want something done, I have to do it.
Which is cool. It is what it is.
I won't lie and say I'm not bitter about it. But, I have to accept it and move on.

I miss my mom. She was the only person I could ever really rely on.
And she told me that life is like that. Marriage is like that.
She wasn't ugly about it, but she did teach me that you can't really depend on anyone.
It's a sad fact about life. You just have to deal.

The amazing thing about this realization is that I am oddly at peace with it.
I get a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction having taken care of things myself.
I have no one to thank or to be grateful to. I am happy with myself for having done whatever.
And I don't ever owe anyone anything.

Hallelujah!!

I do so love Fridays!! It's like a birthday every week.
From the time you get up, you're like, 8hrs to go..
Like a kid waiting for the bell to ring to bring on Summer break.
Difference is, the Summer only lasts 2 and half days. But we'll take it.
So, we as adults get to experience that anticipation every week. Those 8 hrs feel like the last week of school. Every one is at the edge of their seat, watching the clock, counting down.
So, here I go.. with 5 and a half hrs to go!!!

What's it worth?

Worth.. What exactly does that word mean?

Online definitions...


-an indefinite quantity of something having a specified value; "10 dollars worth of gasoline"

-the quality that renders something desirable or valuable or useful

-deserving: worthy of being treated in a particular way; "an idea worth considering"; "the deserving poor" (often used ironically)

-French couturier (born in England) regarded as the founder of Parisian haute couture; noted for introducing the bustle (1825-1895)

-worth(p): having a specified value; "not worth his salt"; "worth her weight in gold"


A thing is only worth what you will pay, give, or sacrifice for it.
People ask,"Is it really worth my time?" "Is that really worth the trouble?"
That all depends on what you are willing to do or give.

To illustrate my point, I will  share something personal. And by doing so I mean absolutely no harm.
I love my husband. I really do. He has so many good qualities and I know that he loves me.
But, we do not have a romantic, affectionate, passionate relationship.
I honestly would like to have that. The flirty, sexy interactions. The "wanting".
I would love to feel like I am desirable and pretty.
I usually feel like a second class citizen in my house. I never feel important and my needs are never put first. Oh, lord I sound like a brat. I know that when you have a family, your needs come second. But, his never do. His needs always come first. Things always go the way he wants them to. I have allowed this behavior, so, I am partly to blame. This is not a bitch-about-my-husband fest. But, it would be wonderful to have a man that appreciates me.
However, I'm not going to throw everything we have away because I don't recieve the affection or desire from my husband that I would like.
So to me, it's not worth it. The marriage itself outweighs my needs to feel special. The time invested, so far, is not worth throwing away in the hopes that some day I will find that delirious happy that I see in the movies.

So, here's when it gets tricky. Are the sacrifices we make worth our happiness?
In this life, time is short. Should you waste time on comfort and routine? Or should you take a chance and risk it all for something different? Will different be worth the price you pay?

I read back over this and realize that it is jumbled and confusing. But, the topic has me jumbled and confused. Meh. When will I find clarity?

Monday.. again.

So, here we are again, another weekend gone. The time just flies.
The weekend was good. Friday night at the ball park. Drinks with my girl Megan.
She's good people. She really is a good friend.

Saturday was spent getting Boo ready for prom. Fun stuff, let me tell you. I sometimes wish I were more girlie, so that I could really get into this stuff with her. Shopping and nails and the whole bit, would be more fun for her if I enjoyed it.
That night the nabe and BFF had a party for her softball team. Donkapalooza III. Good people, lots of fun.
You'd have to know Courtney. She is one of the most generous, loving, caring people. She goes all out for her friends.
She threw this party for her friends, and it was her birthday. But that's how she is. She puts herself aside and does what she can to make sure that her friends have a good time. I love that about her.
And it was fun. I however, pooped out early. But I hear the Beer Donk tourney was great.
Sunday was spent doing nothing. I was in bed all day. I got some sleep, which was needed.
Today however, I feel like maybe I got to much sleep. But, still feel tired. I don't know.

Hoping today goes by quickly, much needed housework waiting for me.

Friday

So, it's Friday.
That doesn't sound very enthusiastic, I know.
But, believe me, I am thrilled.
Every Monday, I start the countdown. And here it is another week gone by.
I have especially been looking forward to this weekend.
Tonight will be the Friday ritual of softbal~beer~friends.
Saturday Riley will be attending prom with her friend Brandon.
The neighbors are having festivities. So the neighborhood will be buzzing with people, music and laughter.
This makes me happy.

It's funny how one sentence can alter your entire mood.
I was in a perfectly happy mood.
Some jackass says 5 words. Now I want to ring his neck.
People really need to think before they speak.

On pause for a bit......

Okay, reqrouped. Over that noise.
So, Friday..
The day always begins with hope. As in, I hope the day goes by quickly.. lol
Ususally everyone is in such a good mood because in 8 hrs, it's summer time all over again.
That said.. 30 minutes and I am outta here for 2 days.
I will relish my time away and try to make the best of it.

This is my favorite place in the world.

New Braunsfels, Tx

I have had the best times of my life here.

There is fun, friends, camping, drinking and floating.

But, what I love most is the float. On that river, for 5-8 hrs, I am free.

I can sing or laugh, swim or float. I can close my eyes and I am all alone.

There is no job. There are no bills. There is no pesky housework or responsibilities.

I am one person without a care in the world. I am me.

There are rapids, turns, chutes, and there are times when you feel like you've been in the same spot for hours. But no matter where you are, you are displace from the rest of the world.

There is a river community. We all have one goal, have fun and survive the trip.

For those hours on the river, you and every one around you are part of a foreign land. The rules are simple.

No glass, no jello shots, lol. There are a couple more, but.. meh.

But, this place is seperate from everything else.

Me..

I like singing in the shower
reading books at night
Wearing sexy heels
And jeans that fit just right

I like sitting in the dark
Red paint on my toes
Getting a massage
And when my tattoos show

I love the sound of rain on the roof
the color green at any shade
floating down the river with a beer in hand
and the smell of popcorn being made

I love the warmth of a new born baby
And ball park sounds too
The sound of a violin
And a mountain top view.

I miss my mother’s laugh
And hide and seek in the dark
Running till I couldn’t breathe
And playing at the park

I miss being carefree
Dancing in the rain
Loving with my whole heart
And never knowing pain

I need my daughter’s love
Comfort when I’m low
Inspiration to improve
And someone just to know

I need laughter every day
Something fun to do
Acceptance to a fault
And always knowing you